I was so keen to these things back when I was still mad at the world. I can so remember how much I hated being around people I know who just gives you that look… I guess in a way, I’ve outgrown it, and dissolved that fine line between being polite and being pretentious, and just turned them into one big passive attitude that says “I DON’T GIVE A FUCK”. It’s good and it actually works, but lately, i guess my confidence is starting to wear off - all that confidence that gave me the strength to just keep moving forward. People around me are starting to affect me, the way they just keep calling you ugly, fat, stupid and/or whatever else. I know better than to think about it, i know too well why they have to mention it. I know too well how saying it somehow adds up to their diminishing confidence, but why oh why am I starting to care if I know better? I really don’t know. I’m starting to get a little sensitive these past few days. 

Maybe I should start reading again. Better yet, maybe I should start writing again. That worked for me before. And maybe, I just miss having a friend without all the stupid comments, someone who listens to your useless rants but actually care. I feel so disappointed with myself because I’m letting these all in me when the one thing I hate the most is limitation. Why am I letting myself get restricted like this? I need to free myself from all these, I need to teach myself again how to be insensitive.

Someone told me maybe I should practice being apathetic. He does have a valid point. Being indifferent is like the key to having friends these days. Pretend to listen, react, but don’t give a damn. It works for me, but only up to some extent… I have a bigger heart than that. I always end up investing more than I intend, and lose more than I expect. Getting hurt is like the validation for my being a loser… and it kills me… it’s killing me that I still care, that I still give a damn and that you don’t. And for me to find out that you think of me that way after all the moments that we had together… It just kills me, and somehow makes me wish I hadn’t met you. I’m sorry for blabbing like a loser. I just have to, cos I’m hurting. I know I shouldn’t be, but this is something that I cannot deny myself… I owe it to myself to at least acknowledge this, even just slightly, even if i shouldn’t, even if it’s already too late.